Child Contact: The Problem is when it gets to Christmas

Janet Hopkins, Family Solicitor at Lawson-West, considers the special difficulties which seem to arise on this particular topic.

One of the most emotive details in making contact arrangements with the other parent of your children will be Christmas. How should Christmas be divided up so that you both spend time with the children?

I think that problems arise partly because it is supposed to be the 'Season of Goodwill' so your expectations are higher than usual. You expect everyone to be kind and happy. This is probably one contributing reason why Christmas can be rather trying, even in families who still live together. Imagine how much worse it can be if there are already tensions following separation and attempts to sort out arrangements for the children to spend the right amount of time with each parent throughout the rest of the year.

There seem to be three basic patterns for Christmas contact with the parent who does not live with the children all the time:-

• Christmas Day with the residential parent and Boxing Day with the non residential parent.

• Christmas Day itself divided, say morning with one and afternoon with the other.

• Christmas with each parent in alternating years.

There is something to be said for each model. The first model is settled and repeatable and the children will have two Christmases every year, possibly a second 'Big Day' a few days later. The second model gives each parent a part of Christmas Day every year, and the third model means that in alternative years each parent will have Christmas itself with the children.

There are, of course, disadvantages to each model. Models one and two could be pretty tiring for little children, who can get a bit ratty by the middle of Christmas afternoon with all the excitement. Model three might be best on this point.

I think a lot depends on whether the parents are really thinking about the children's enjoyment of the festivities or are they actually more focused on scoring over each other? I have been involved in countless cases where it was perfectly obvious that the parents were simply trying to deprive each other of the children during the actual Christmas period. Point scoring and little victories. Any Family Lawyer will confirm their experience of this kind of situation and it is very sad.

I have a mental picture of a bewildered child of about 6 or 7, thoroughly enjoying all the fun of Christmas at school, preparing decorations, singing songs, appearing in the Nativity Play, and he then becomes aware of arguments between his parents about where he is going to be on Christmas Day. What a let down.

Let's try to tap into the essential spirit of the Festive Season and see if we can be nice to each other. If we could forget for a moment all our previous arguments and acrimony, we could try to disregard our own feelings, just this once, and let the kids be happy.

If you need any help with settling arrangements for this coming Christmas, do call us and we can help sort out sensible arrangements for you. The number is 01858 445480.

There's one other detail we should all remember -- there will be another Christmas next year.

The above article was originally published in Active Kids Magazine Issue 2 Autumn 2007