"Try to see it my way.."

Janet Hopkins reflects on the children’s point of view when parents separate.

Remember the Beatles’ song? I wonder how many of us really try to see the other person’s point of view.

Dealing with family break-up, as I do, I find that it is often really difficult for people to understand how the other one feels. Take, for example, the situation where a couple have had to separate because their relationship simply can’t work any more. How do the children feel about this?

In most cases, the children will be fairly bewildered by what is happening around them. Usually their dearest wish is for Mummy and Daddy to be back together again so that everything can be as it used to be. But that is usually impossible. Things have gone too far between the adults to be repairable.

The saddest part of this kind of situation arises when those parents fail to see the children’s point of view. Suppose Mummy doesn’t love Daddy any more. It would usually be quite wrong to assume that the children feel the same as she does. Similarly, let us suppose that Daddy doesn’t love Mummy any more. He cannot assume that the children share his opinion of their Mum.

When separation becomes inevitable, if both parents love their children (and they always say they do) they could demonstrate their love by willingly letting the children continue to love the other parent.

I am acting for a man at the moment who has had to leave the family home. His three children have stayed in the home with their mother because that was clearly the least disruptive arrangement for them, what with school, local friends, and so on. Mum has a new boyfriend who will probably move in soon, and we hope that a happy, stable home can become established. Sadly, Mum is now annoyed that Dad has a new girlfriend and she has refused to let the children go and visit Dad if that new girlfriend is there.

Now, this is the puzzle. Mum can bring her new boyfriend into her home, sharing a bed with him when he visits, and expect everyone to accept that this new relationship will flourish. But she cannot allow the children to meet their Dad’s new partner.

Why should this be? Can she not see the imbalance in her attitude? Both new partners were strangers previously, so there is no uncomfortable history to embarrass people. Why should she assume that the children are alright with her new partner, but not with his?

This is an example of a very common problem. It is adult feelings and animosities getting in the way again. If only the children could be allowed their feelings as well.

“Try to see it my way ….”

If you are struggling with a situation anything like this example, give us a ring and let’s see if we can help to re-direct attitudes and focus on the children. You can call James Haworth at our Wigston branch on 0116 2121080 or Janet Hopkins and Alistair Dobson at our Market Harborough branch on 01858 445480.

No charge at all for that first interview. Let’s just see if we can help.